Advice for All
I turned 40 in January, a birthday that felt more momentous than most. I spent the morning in a state of grief, intense emotions rolling through me as I said goodbye to my 30’s and what felt like my whole youth. Not only does it feel like these 40 years have barreled by at a too-fast clip, but ‘things’ I thought I’d have by now did not go as planned. No husband, no children, no historic home that I’ve elegantly renovated featured in Architectural Digest.
Thankfully, the grief passed and these first few weeks of my 40’s I’ve been energized, in a state of gratitude and reflection. I am healthy, my business is growing, I have interesting and loyal friends, I’m close with my parents and I am surrounded by beauty—that I’ve curated and that I simply stumble upon—on a daily basis.
I still deeply want to be married and have a family. And I have dated toward this end for some time now. But it’s a challenge at 40; ‘eligible’ men are facing their own existential battles at this age. They are more experienced in life, often have had marriages and kids and have tremendous responsibility with their jobs or family situations.
But their relationships were not good, and they are often traumatized. They are busy and tired and have hobbies they also miss. Time is incredibly limited and there is fear that another woman will repeat the experience they are still trying to unwind with messy divorces. Or they are chronically single, arguably worse.
My relationship with fatherhood—an absent biological father and the improbable man who chose to adopt and love me—has shaped what I seek most in love: someone capable of being present and engaged as a partner and parent. While motherhood at 40 is uncertain, finding a man with genuine father potential remains a guiding principle.
Given all of this, I have a complicated relationship lately with ‘advice’. The internet and many well-meaning people are overflowing with it. The problem is that every situation is complex and usually has many, many, many contributing factors. Taking advice from people who have what you want isn’t even that helpful, because some things happen easier for all of us. Some women get pregnant easily, some people are naturally astute with business, some meet their perfect husband on a dance floor in college. Someone married, even in a very happy relationship, who didn’t have to deal with custody schedules and a pending divorce while first dating cannot truly understand my own situation.
Life happens and I don’t know why any more than anyone else I’ve ever met. But I now believe a person’s current circumstances aren’t the only criteria for giving good counsel. Wisdom can come through victory, defeat and divine intervention. So though I’ve hesitated to share my own advice in the past, on this fifth (!) decade of my life, I have some for you.
Say what you mean and do what you say
A lot of people don’t even know what they want and will say what they think you want to hear, only to change course later. To the extent you can, stop doing this. Don’t commit to things you don’t want to or cannot do. Set ‘future you’ up for success with realistic commitments, and be a person others can rely on. If you agree to something, be there on time and with a good attitude. I trust people more who are willing to say no to me when they don’t want or cannot do something. A lot of unnecessary pain can be avoided with this rare skill.
Dive into the experience
But also, say yes to life. More experiences give you insight and more ways to relate to others. Travel changes your perspective and helps you appreciate ‘home’. Nightmare airport fiascos become war stories over martinis and perfect sunny afternoons with a great friend become little jewels that sustain you in a stretch of sorrow. Experiences can be expensive and inconvenient, but memories become more precious over time and they usually make you more likeable.
Let yourself rest
The yin complement to active experiences, rest is an essential part of being ‘okay’ with life. I know so many adults who are terrible at this. They don’t sleep well, they are dealing with unbelievable stress, and they don’t have rest anywhere meaningful in their daily life. I have become an eye mask evangelist the last few years. Building rest into your life in a thoughtful, aesthetic way can reduce the feeling that you ‘should be doing something productive’ or result in unintended Magnolia tv marathons on the couch with salty snacks. Good rest most days is important and including that in your schedule protects your most precious resource, energy.
Find people and places you can be totally uncensored
While some people engage in public or on social media uncensored, I don’t particularly like that approach. Some topics are impolite to bring up in professional settings or with acquaintances. That being said, it is important to know how you really feel about something. People you can trust with candid thoughts and unhinged ideas are wonderful relationships to foster. And I’m not sure anything is better than writing it down. Sometimes I find myself censoring myself to myself and it’s a practice to let brutally honest thoughts exist if they are authentic in that moment. Hidden thoughts can hold you back from many good things.
One thing I’ll say about getting older—the stories get absolutely INSANE. Relationships break down in ways you wouldn’t wish upon your worst enemy, miracles occur in ways science can’t explain, life shifts and turns… it surprises you and infuriates you and delights you. You have more control than you think and also somehow none.
Your mindset and how you synthesize all the good, the bad, and the ugly become some of the most valuable talents to nurture. A nightmare scenario can become a hilarious way to connect with another interesting person, a profound insight to share with a suffering friend, or even a precious memory of the fullness of being alive.
And that is the part we tend to forget, isn’t it? In the never-ending debacles where good advice is so hard to give or get, we are alive to experience it. Eventually it will end, and perhaps those difficult moments were essential ingredients to making life worth living while we had the chance.
