The Business of Romance
One thing I’ve been plagued with in my life is that I am generally better at the job than the job interview. I have never gotten a (non-hospitality) job unless I knew the business owner first on a personal level. And–again, aside from hospitality–they were uniformly unhappy to lose me when I left the position.
Once I’m in the position, I have a skillset that makes me an asset to business. I can properly assess a situation or problem to understand how to tackle it. That might be figuring out more clearly what the obstacle is, who the actual decision-maker is, what is likely to derail a process so we can set useful contingencies or expectations… curiosity makes vague, overwhelming problems manageable because I’m able to form questions that provide answers that move the ball forward.
Diplomacy with people on every level creates avenues for help in virtually every issue that arises. Those relationships are just as important as the expertise learned from doing something consistently. In ten years, the relationships and experience I’ve distilled into a strategic understanding of my profession create an amazing sense of possibility and purpose in my life and career.
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And at the same time, I don’t have the same depth and wisdom in the realm of intimate relationships. At 38, it almost feels like I’ve spent most of that time not in actual jobs but in random job interviews. I’m not hard up for dates–I feel more attractive and high quality than my 20’s by far–but they have a shallowness and dysfunction that makes the deep dive of marriage seem untenable.
I love my work, but I am not under any pretense that it will ultimately be more meaningful in my life than love and family. I long for that. I used to be quite the dysfunction myself and have sabotaged my share of romantic ‘job interviews’. I have inspected and healed a lot of deep trauma around my experiences and relationships with my fathers, and one certainty is that I want to provide a solid foundation for my own children in that respect. I recognize that I’m the common denominator in all my relationships, so I’m not going blame men for the lack of fruition of a good marriage. But I do need a good one if I’m going to provide a proper father to my babies.
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One realization I’ve had in the last year is that, like companies, there are different ‘types’ of marriages I can aspire to. Proverbs 31 was a revelation for me, I felt seen. These are traditional relationships in that they provide a solid family structure and rely on a shared sense of priorities (spiritual alignment being first and foremost). And they are ambitious relationships in the sense that they function like a complex, well-run business. I want to be constructive and create value in my life. I love the social stimulation and personal growth from business, and if I can put my skills to work for my family, that sounds like a dream scenario to me.
Of course, although it felt like it at times, I was not married to any of my bosses. Until I started my own business this year, I was always an employee. The direction and ethos of these businesses was ultimately not my call, and I was in the position of ‘responding’ to what the owner did. But there is also an ‘at will’ commitment in work that is replaced by the ‘til death do us part’ in a marriage. Seeing how much I have been refined through the lesser commitment of my profession gives me great hope for what an actual marriage could provide.
Now that I’ve launched Proper Pour Co., I am exploring what kind of leadership I want to guide my life. I want to be intentional and inspired, and never fall into the position of having reactive or ambiguous headship (including from myself). And yet I didn’t have a long-standing desire to work for myself, just as I don’t want to be the ‘boss’ of my intimate relationships. I cherish the idea of submitting to an amazing husband who has a winning outlook and approach to life. Someone with strong values, inspiring ambitions, clear intentions and the intelligence and charm to pull it off.
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I think one of my main failures was ‘applying’ with the wrong companies in my romantic life. I am now vetting for leadership qualities, ambition, chemistry and values. This type of man will give me something to really dig into in my relationship, and give me an opportunity to use my own talents to support him and help him succeed. It’s not about perfection, but compatibility, growth and a bit of faith.
I am committed to putting myself in the position to meet more of these types of leaders and better assess their ‘business models’ to see if we’d be a good fit. And hopefully, God-willing, the next 38 years includes a beautiful, thriving marriage, estate and family legacy.
**Writing this post reminded me of a poem I wrote in August 2022, Some Kind of Woman. You can read that HERE
