The Problem With Consent
I was an advocate for the consent movement when it rolled in heavy in the 2010’s. I appreciated the conversations it initiated, it helped me think about boundaries and creating ‘healthy’ interactions in my own life and the world at large. It seemed like something that would benefit all mankind, and I felt the world would be a better place if we all could make progress with these communication skills.
But I’ve come to notice a huge problem with our concept of consent. I now think the idea is something of a red herring, and directs our focus at the wrong place. Consent is often not informed or thought through, nor does it lead to anything ‘better’ in general.
We can consent our way to a lot of behaviors that have terrible outcomes for ourselves and those around us. It can be a euphemism for glorifying our compulsions, our addictions, our sins. I mean, anything goes! As long as you consent…
And they declare their sin as Sodom; they do not hide it. Woe to their soul! For they have brought evil upon themselves. -Isaiah 3:9
I was still on this consent train when Covid appeared, working and volunteering part time with a self-defense nonprofit that made consent one of our main teaching points. The winter before, I sat on a gym floor with 9th graders in San Jose talking about boundaries and consent. (”How do you know if someone you’re dating is comfortable with something…? You ask them!”)
Imagine my surprise when the entire ragtag organization filled with heartfelt volunteers seemed to jump first in line to advocate for mask mandates, testing & vaccines. It was one of the most confusing aspects of Covid psychology for me, because I had looked at consent as equivalent to the right to choose for oneself, which I thought was foundational to our whole approach. Apparently my colleagues did not agree. Once they started requiring vaccines to take classes for self-defense in person, I left. The executive director said, “We’ll miss you. But we respect your boundaries!”
Was this future ‘better’?
What I’ve come to realize is that consent and true freedom are not the same. Consent is somewhat passive, emotional; and freedom is an active, disciplined labor. We must look at the fruits of our beliefs and behavior when assessing their value, particularly when they take hold of culture as strongly as an idea like ‘consent’. We must think more deeply about ideologies paraded around as ‘unquestionably good’ and question them.
With a culture focused on consent, there’s incentive to normalize perversion and destructive behaviors. I think we can all reflect back on choices we made in our past that were irresponsible, when we were ‘acting out’. Behaviors that were the result of confusion in our lives, pain we were trying to numb, escape or process. Consent tries to neutralize these as long as the parties involved volunteer to be there. More often than not, it ends up being a justification for bad behavior rather than a proclamation of something productive you’re choosing for yourself.
Without a robust connection to morality, consent provides little incentive for people to hold us accountable when we’re being lazy, self-destructive or otherwise not living up to our full potential. Pushing someone to be better can be seen as a violation of consent. There’s an easy ‘out’ with difficult conversations, because how can you argue with a person’s choice?
And because consent can be given or revoked at any time, it’s easy to slip into a form of manipulation itself. What seems okay now might seem wretched in the morning, which can be awful (or worse) for everyone involved. It can be ambiguous or overly scripted. Do you really want someone to ask you at every step if you’re okay with their behavior? Do we need lawyers and contracts involved in our intimate interactions? Isn’t there some way we can move our lives toward connection and clarity without balancing everything on the emotional, evolving nature of consent?
Somehow the concept of consent misses the huge opportunity that we could be embracing in our lives. It is a poor proxy for true, glorious, life-giving freedom.
And the freedom I describe is not a free-for-all. It’s actually much more work and requires much more thought than a momentary consent. It calls for us to develop coherent beliefs, design visions for our future, and gives us principles to help guide our decisions. In terms of relationships, it requires we listen deeply and get to know the hearts and souls of our loved ones. When you’re clear about your commitments and priorities, the topic of consent can seem quaint. These kinds of momentary decisions are almost already made because you assumed the freedom to construct an actual LIFE.
Look upstream for the more important things. Think higher and wider and more deeply. Seek relationships that will push you past comfort zones and pull you into better versions of yourself. The work becomes determining who or what you will allow to ‘violate your consent’ in some way, rather than avoiding it altogether.
The reality is that one way or another, life will hand us situations we do not want to be in. We do not get to ‘consent’ to the events that arise. But we do get to choose how we respond, how we build our families and character. We get to show up every day and shore up our ships and support our neighbors and add some beauty to a fallen world.
May we be known for our loving and enduring relationships, not that we had the most ‘consensual’ ones. May we be remembered for our generosity, not because we ‘never crossed a line’. May we teach others by example through our clear vision and purpose, and inspire our circles to rise to the occasion rather than fear it for saying or doing the wrong thing.
If we focus our attention on these larger questions and pursuits, we are much less likely to find ourself in the situations I used to teach people to address in my self-defense work. There are still difficult conversations and moral actions to work out, but the questions are better and more meaningful.
It is a beautiful way to live.
“Say to the righteous that is shall be well with them, for they shall eat the fruits of their doings.” Isaiah 3:10
